Plant your own seeds

The big gray rabbit was in a quandary.
There was something inside our pool cage he was determined to have, probably my prized sunflowers that had just begun to bloom.
But, darn it all, he just couldn't find a way inside the big cage that held the sought-after prize, no matter how many times he jumped around the cage looking for entry.
My husband and I watched the bunny's boldness with amusement.
I could relate to his frustration.
Ever since I was laid off from my job as a reporter with The Tampa Tribune last year, I've been feeling a bit like I'm on the outside of something I desire. I could be enjoying my prize if someone would just unlock the door and let me in.
Namely, I want to be reporting again, full time. I want to feel as if I'm contributing to the household finances and being a useful, productive member of society, doing what I love most.
According to the PaperCuts newspaper layoffs tracker, more than 20,000 reporters are in the same boat I'm in. Actually, those numbers are last year's stats. It's probably more now.
And, as newspapers continue to cut back, those numbers most likely will increase. I'm in a boat that's ready to capsize.
But no one could have thoroughly warned me about the feelings of embarrassment, shame, anger, depression, fear and guilt I'd feel in the aftermath of my layoff. Just as no one can prepare you for the death of a loved one, you can't imagine the array of emotions that engulf you when you lose your job.
No matter how many times you tell yourself you were simply the victim of the economy, you know inside that it was your fault -- it was something you did or did not do that made you the target of the layoff and not the person at the desk next to you.
I've gone over and over it in my mind, despite the fact that I know it's in the past and I can't change it. It's time to move on.
That's easier said than done when you can't move on, when you can't find a job. The guilt multiplies and that sunflower in the pool cage just sits there, swaying in the wind, teasing you day after day.
You remain in contact with your friends at the newspaper even though it hurts to know they have a job and you don't. It hurts to look at a newspaper and see stories you once covered.
People tell you to write a book but the inspiration and humor that once gave your stories spark is no longer there. All you can think about is the fact that you're a loser, a reporter no one wants.
What I've discovered as I've applied for jobs only to be rejected over and over again is that this is the time when you have to believe in yourself more than ever. You can't afford to get discouraged.
I found that the more I didn't write, the more depressed I became. So I began freelancing for anyone who would publish my work, even if it only brought in a few bucks.
I started two blogs, one a personal blog, expressing my thoughts and opinions, a blog that was more cathartic than creative. The other blog is about my interests beyond journalism. It helps fulfill that creative need.
And I did start that book. It probably never will see the light of day but it hones my creative writing skills and keeps my mind off my woes and focused on my love of the written word.
I realized I couldn't afford to be that rabbit, hoping to make my way inside to munch on someone else's sunflower. I had to plant my own sunflower seeds and hope they grow into something just as fulfilling. If, along the way, someone opens a door and offers me a fully grown sunflower, so much the better.